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Teenage Romance:
Puppy Love or Addicted Love Disaster?
Do you remember those adolescent years when you felt so in love for the first time? Many adolescents get caught up in what they believe is romantic or "puppy love", and before long the relationship could bloom into either a nurturing love (aka healthy relationship) or a more powerful, unhealthy cycle commonly called "addictive love", (aka abusive relationship).
Romantic Love
In
romantic love, everything about the relationship and the other person
seems perfect. Both partners usually try to show their better sides, and
unattractive traits are not recognized or are redefined to seem like positive
characteristics. Often the early warning signs of controlling behavior,
extreme jealousy, and possessiveness are misunderstood as a sign of love
and devotion. In most cases, reality sets in and eventually both partners
begin to see each other's faults. At this point, the relationship can
grow into a nurturing or addictive relationship.
Nurturing Love
Nurturing
love is when romantic love matures into a deeper, more intimate relationship.
Both people appreciate the other's positive qualities but also recognize
and accept each other's limitations. Both partners want the other to grow
and develop to her or his fullest potential. They encourage each other
to have close friendships outside the relationship and get satisfaction
from independent activities. If one person ends the relationship, the
other will experience sadness and grief but will not be devastated to
the point of being self destructive, threatening to the other, or unable
to function.
Addictive Love
When
the desire to be together every minute turns into a feeling of extreme
need for the partner to be constantly available, romantic love has turned
to addictive love. One or both partners says things like
“I’ll die if he doesn’t call me,” or “I
can’t live without her...”. Addictive love is a learned behavior,
and males and females often show their addiction differently because of
their learned gender roles. Women will appear emotional and needy, while
men will not appear this way, but when feeling desperate to keep the woman,
he will try to control her. The man often does this by putting her down,
calling her selfish, threatening to break up with her, etc. In a male-female
couple, the way a male shows his addiction is through criticism, which
may lead the female to believe the problems are her fault. She may believe
that he doesn’t need her, thus becoming insecure about herself and
the relationship. She narrows the focus of her life to concentrate on
pleasing him.
More On Addictive
Love…
Many
people recognize that they are being mistreated or even abused, but choose
to stay in the relationship for a number of reasons. After all, it is
never easy to end a relationship, even a hurtful one.
Some
of the reasons people stay in unhappy or abusive relationships are:
- Hope that the partner will change
- Making light of the abuse
- Blaming yourself
- Fear of looking like a failure
- Hopelessness
- Gender Roles
- Embarrassment and shame
- Financial Dependence
- Lack of supportive relationships
- Fear of being physically hurt
- Not wanting to be alone
- Loyalty
- Need to rescue your partner or take care of them
- Guilt
- Children
- Dependency on drugs and alcohol
- Fear that there is no one else out there
Treatment
Options
The
first step is recognizing that the relationship you are in may not be
a healthy one. But there are treatment options for those who are in addictive
or abusive relationships. Some of these include:
- Individual counseling
- Self esteem building
- Assertiveness training
- Family therapy ~ to explore primary relationships with one's parents
- Psychoeducation on healthy versus unhealthy relationships
There
are many characteristics that potential couples can look for in one another
to be sure they are starting a healthy relationship. Below is a listing
of some of these characteristics.
Someone who:
- Supports
your relationships with friends and family
- Maintains
his or her own friendships and wants you to get to know them
- Supports
your personal growth
- Continues
own interests in outside activities
- Asks
your opinion
- Is comfortable
with you having different opinions
- You feel
comfortable expressing your feelings and emotions with
- Talks
and listens
- Accepts
responsibility for own behavior
- Can apologize
when they are wrong and can accept an apology from you
- Considers
the relationship a partnership
- Shares
in the decision-making
- Treats
other people with respect
- Is secure
enough to accept your relationships with the opposite sex
- Trusts
you and expects to be trusted
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